I the IT Guy, nibbles that remained untold

Forgive me, I am prone to semicolon overuse;
Forgive me, I deliver against the order of nature;

My wife, please don’t mind me on the night when I come early, but yet experience insomnia till 3 in the morning;
My girl in office, you also please don’t mind me on the day, when  I come to office in my overnight hood;

It shouldn’t be an issue if I am addict to nicotine and caffeine;
It shouldn’t be an issue if I don’t  live, I just exist as a machine;

Don’t get surprised if you see me as a mess;
Don’t get surprised if I don’t have a policy to save tax;

You always wonder why I am not available on my phone;
I always wonder why always “I am stating my name after the tone”;

After all this is me I the IT guy;
No matter how hard I try;
Old habits cease to die.

 

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IT Aunty

By far I the IT guy has been my most viewed blog post, so keeping in mind the relative success of that post, I am penning down my experiences about the great industry once again that has opened the floodgates of employment in the modern times. The only flipsyde is that I have switched the sexes, and changed the relationship status of the protagonist. So here is how a married woman spends her typical workday as employee of an IT company in India.

Note: The office hours are considered as 9 A.M. to 6 P.M. , and supposedly lunching practices can be observed between 12:30 to 2:30 for half an hour.

0800 hrs: The cab driver is honking rapidly, he is waiting for a female employee, who actually told him 15 minutes ago that she would be in the cab with in next five minutes. The driver is twenty minute behind schedule, and today he will definitely be struck in the jam at toll plaza near ambiance mall; but how could she leave before she finds her ID card. Ah she found her ID, but now her hair are slightly disturbed, so the cabby is obliged to linger for five more minutes at least. The engine started and wheels rolled at 0807 hrs; courtesy IT aunty.

0854 hrs:  As anticipated the cab is stuck at Mahipalpur, driver has tuned in to 98.3 Mirchi FM. RJ played Jalebi Bai, and the innocent driver committed the sin of humming one line of song along with the radio. Suddenly he started getting chastised for playing bawdy songs when girls are sitting in the cab. Now the point to note down is, there were three passengers in the cab, two guys who actually were enjoying the song before the rebuttal began and third was the aforementioned woman; where does a girl come from? The so call girl my friends is the IT Aunty in her own dreams.

0917hrs: The cab has arrived in front of the office, while signing off* the driver, she gave him a look of “you will burn in the fires of hell” type. I would like to devote some words on the luggage she happens to carry then. One handbag which is larger than the schoolbag of a 4th grader (I hope you know the size of the mentioned schoolbag, due to the controversies surrounding it), one laptop bag, one handicraft bag which contains a Tupperware™ case, that incidentally happens to contain four small boxes of lunch. The special attraction today is a poly bag which is the home of a coconut oil bottle, as she had shampooed her hair today. So for complete nutrition of her silky locks it is essential to oil them after they dry, after all she is out IT Aunty.

The story of the handicraft bag: Once in a while some NGOs visit our office, with some
handicraft stuff, reportedly made by under privileged children, and essentially overpriced.
The money earned by selling those products in turn is deployed for the well being of poor
children.Over time she and her fraternity had bought so many of the bags, that the NGO has
stopped visiting our office, because the amount of money they earned was so much, that no
child is under privileged in their NGO.

0933hrs: She leaves her seat for washroom, with the handbag and the poly bag. The happenings inside the ladies washroom are censored, as I don’t want to turn into an adult stuff blogger so soon, but my other “Unmarried” female anonymous sources  have told me that she oiled her hair, gave them a new style, and did some other girly stuff. Then she caught hold off another girl who unfortunately was known to her, checked her makeup as a veterinarian checks a sick buffalo, gave some silly tips, and at last decided to take matters in her own hands. At 0951 hrs a girl who resembled the models in Haryanvi song videos was found roaming in the company premises. Do you know who her beautician was? Our IT Aunty.

Between 1000 hrs and 1215 hrs: She argued with somebody for a chair and after switching the chairs realized that the other chair was actually her’s. She opened a biscuit packet dropped half of them while opening, pretended to offer the remaining ones to her colleagues, ended up finishing the whole packet alone, and then fretted over her ever increasing weight. She switched on her laptop, had a vision that she forgot her password, called the system maintenance department, fought with them over the phone for resetting her password ASAP, as she has to do a lot of work. When the password changed she logged in, marked her attendance (most efficient resource when it comes to marking attendance and applying leaves), checked some funny mails, and then broadcasted them thorough out the ODC**. A fresher in that ODC was suggested to work very hard, put his best efforts towards learning new technologies.He obliged by saying thanks, and he got some extra line of codes to do in place of customary your welcome. The persona that made the career changing suggestion is our IT Aunty.

1235hrs: Two humans of female variety are on the front of food cashier queue, and there is an important discussion going on about what to have in lunch. At the back queue size is growing exponentially by the minute. After five minutes the decision is out, they have opted to eat at the other outlet today. O my dear IT Aunty, you are so full of surprises.

1243hrs: She took the food coupon by overpowering and ignoring others who were living in the hope of getting a food coupon by following the principle of queue. She pushed and glared a whole lot of individuals to reach at the top of hierarchy, the food counter. At present she is arguing with one food vendor for extra pickle, and she is advising other one on how to make good grill sandwiches, completely unknown of the fact that the raita (Yogurt dish) from her plate has dripped all over my shirt. At last I also had my share of blessings from IT Aunty.

1315hrs: It is good to have a walk after having food, so she decided to have a stroll. As she does a lot a drudgery on daily basis, and she is not that young (although she has maintained her youth if you ask her), she gets tired she decides to occupy the stairs for a while for having a nice little chit chat with her friends. Meanwhile I am off to my friend’s PG*** to change the shirt, after accepting the apologies of IT Aunty; did I had another choice nien, remember I the IT guy, I never have a choice.

1430hrs: I came back after changing shirts and she is still on the same stair. She rationalized her stand on the raita incident once again, made some remark on my new shirt, and off she goes to her cubicle, to conquer the world. IT Aunty the IT worker.

1630hrs: Now that she has actually managed to work for ~7200000 milliseconds, she has the right to go for evening snacks. So I will spare myself from repeating the words as most probably the history would repeat itself in the cafeteria. IT Aunty is very consistent with her demeanor to quote the least.

1715hrs: She calls the cabby and inquire about the possibilities of leaving early. When she gets a negative reply, she calls the other driver (read husband), to pick her up and drop her home. The hapless fella can’t deny, he will drop her home, and then will come back to his office. Yet he as a faithful servant sorry husband is expected to be home before 9 o’clock and take her out for a dinner, because after having a hard day at work she can’t cook.

Between 1720hrs and the time till driver comes: She will read some feminine stuff on some fashion website, tell her superior if any that she is leaving (yes they don’t ask, the are kind enough to tell). She uses the office phone to make some personal calls in a professional way, and she says goodbye for the day.

When I see her departing, I croon a famous number by La’s

There she goes
There she goes again
Racing through’ my brain
And I just can’t contain
This feelin’ that remains

There she blows
There she blows again
Pulsing through’ my vein

And I just can’t contain
This feelin’ that remains

There she goes, there she goes again.

*It is a procedure of signing a slip at your drop off point, that signifies that driver hasn’t kidnapped you.

**Offshore Development Center, where you can get your work done by paying below minimum wages.

***The literal meaning is Paying Guest, but in Haryana, India the word means the mazes “Jahan Insaan Jata to Apni Marzi Se Hai, Lekin Aata Ya to Makaan Malik ki Marzi Se Hai, Ya Uski Security Amount Jabt Ho Jati Hai.”

Suspense: If any body of you have noticed that she brought her own lunch but yet she bought meals from cafeteria, that is the reason of her ever increasing weight. Finish the lunch, before the lunch is her mantra.